In retrospect, this is probably a strategy we all should have utilized during the debates. If you were to drink every time the ignorant yam said “inner cities” you wouldn’t have lived long enough to see him become president. Science is amazing, isn’t it? Unless it’s supporting global warming. Trump: Today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, we are actually catapulting the country 100 years into the past. Or the fact that this is the first time in history that a sentient, molding tangerine was elected a world leader. Or maybe the record-breaking protest that occurred the next day thanks to worldwide Women’s Marches. The only thing truly historical about it is that he became the president with the largest popularity vote margin in history. And even then, they better be loaded.Īfter thanking his supporters for coming out to be a part of this historical movement, Trump spends a few minutes painting a scene of hyperbolic lies about the state of America. Trump: We the citizens of America are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise to all people.įine Print: But only if they’re white straight men. The unholy butternut squash’s seventeen-minute speech, seventeen minutes of my life that could have been better spent squeezing lemon juice into my eyes or attempting an at-home colonoscopy, was spent shitting on Washington, painting America as a desolate wasteland reminiscent of Pride Rock after Scar took over, and essentially telling the rest of the world to go fuck itself. Or that the earth literally started weeping the second he began to speak. Where to start? How about with the fact that it was lifted from one of Trump’s heroes, Bane. Now, onto the speech that will go down in history as the single most divisive inaugural address of all time. The restraint it took him to not make out with his daughter on live television immediately after being sworn in was the most admirable part of this entire process. The real scoop: How long did it take to find a Bible small enough to make his hands look adult-sized? Stay tuned for the details. That does nothing to explain the fact that all of his facial features are stuck prominently four inches in from the perimeter of his face, but maybe a little electrotherapy can help fix that.ĭonald’s swearing in was quick but definitely not painless. Pence’s face was puffier than usual, possibly due to the gay twerk fest that occurred outside his home that kept him awake all night. The entire stage is already full of shit.Īfter what felt like six hours of trumpeting, Donald Tiny Hands Trump finally arrived in his best $19 suit. I feel weird mocking a child so all I will say is that Barron looked like he had to fart the entire time he was on camera. Ivanka and Tiffany’s all white outfits weren’t just straight out of the Hunger Games Winter 2016 line, but also a blatant reminder of what their father has in store for us all. could step into daylight without bursting into flames. The arrival of the Trump children was shocking because I didn’t think Eric and Donald Jr. How many Xanax do you think she took before getting out of the car? Answer: not enough. Same.Ĭan you imagine having to smile and wave at the inauguration of the haunted cheetoh that lost to you by three million votes? Fuck whoever made Hillary leave her sacred woods. Bush sent his regards from his hospital bed but said he would literally die if he attended. The ordeal started with the arrival of all the living ex-presidents and their wives: Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter, Bill and Hill, George and Laura Bush, and our Lord and Saviors the Obamas. There were highs (the no-bars-held disdain from every former president and first lady in attendance) and there were lows (literally the rest of the ceremony) but there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to cleanse the memory of watching it from our minds. If my 15-year-old self could have read that sentence, she probably would have stopped working so hard in school because clearly actual intelligence, integrity, and hard work mean nothing anymore.īecause all of you surely had better things to do, like figuring out a way to stock up on enough birth control and vodka to last the next four years, we went ahead and recapped this brutal assault on American tradition for you. On Friday, January 20th, 2017, despite the misgivings of every rational person in the entire world, Donald Trump was inaugurated President of the United States of America. Then again, if you’re actively supporting Trump in this day and age, you probably can’t read anyway. Author’s Note: if you came to this site to read a beaming review of the inauguration and our new president, you are going to be solely disappointed.
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